The thought of getting closure after a breakup with an ex puts you in a mental bondage, one that keeps you from moving on unless you get their validation. It’s bad enough that a relationship you once cherished has ended. Why seek their permission to heal from it?
Here’s why closure is a ploy to keep you in the shadows of your ex and deny yourself a chance to move forward.
1. Closure Gives Your Ex Too Much Power Over You
Let’s look at it this way: both of you have broken up. You’re supposed to move on the same way they’ve supposedly moved on, but you’re still thinking you have things to sort out with them, and until you sort them out, you can’t move on.
What does that tell you? It tells you that you’re giving someone else so much power over your life. It’s your life, and you’re supposed to call the shots. Waiting for someone to give you permission to move on means you’re handing them control. If they don’t give it to you, you feel stuck.
Don’t give someone that much power over your life. You can move on the moment you decide to. It isn’t easy, but once you understand that you’re the star and lead character in your own life, you’ll realize that closure is just an excuse to give your ex power over you. Even when you’re dating someone, you shouldn’t give them that level of power, let alone when you’re no longer together.
2. Closure Can Hurt You Even More
You feel like you need to know why things ended or why your ex acted the way they did, but that information can break you even more.
Why seek information that could ruin you and make you feel worse than you already do? After a breakup, your focus should be on healing and moving on. Your ex might even resent you, and in trying to give you the closure you seek, they could say terrible things just to hurt you or get back at you.
Some people are mean and petty. Your ex doesn’t deserve the chance to make you feel worse. The information you’re seeking may not even be the truth. It could be their truth, but that doesn’t make it a fact. Both of you can have different narratives, so what does it matter what they say?
Closure can make you feel worse, and that’s counterproductive. Your goal right now is to feel better and move on, not to reopen wounds.
3. Closure Is Just an Excuse to Seek Validation
We all seek validation sometimes, but after a breakup, your ex is the last person you should turn to.
Your ex isn’t on your team anymore. Depending on how the breakup happened, they might even be against you. You might want them to admit they messed up so you can feel better, but people rarely own up to their mistakes, especially after a breakup.
If they don’t admit fault, you’ll feel worse. Even if they do, it may not make you feel as good as you think. Humans are selfish by nature, and you have to be okay with the fact that what happened has happened. Whether they accept responsibility or not, you’ll still be fine.
Seeking validation from your ex is often dead on arrival, and when it doesn’t come, it hurts even more.
4. Closure Gives Your Ex a Chance to Manipulate You
Reaching out for closure shows vulnerability. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be asking. They can see that vulnerability and use it to influence you, lie to you, or make you do things you wouldn’t normally do. Because you care about what they say, you might take it at face value.
The truth is, whatever they say won’t undo what’s already been done. The more you seek closure, the more opportunities you give them to manipulate you. Once you’re in that position, it can be hard to get out.
What matters now is what you take away from the experience. See it as a lesson, learn from it, and move forward stronger and wiser.
5. Closure Encourages Bad Behavior
If your ex wronged you, why are you giving them an audience? Seeking explanations and validation indirectly rewards bad behavior. When people mess up, they need to sit with the consequences. Crawling back for explanations gives them power and encourages them to repeat the same behavior with someone else.
Their explanation does nothing for you. You don’t need it to move on. The idea that hearing them out will make you feel better is an illusion. People usually know what they’re doing. If your ex left, it was because they felt the relationship was over.
The moment you understand that you are your own closure, everything changes. You can give yourself the closure you deserve by accepting what happened and choosing to move on.